Going through a breakup? Instead of moving on right away, take the time to recalibrate

If you’re in the throes of a breakup, you’re not alone. Now that the city has reopened, many who coupled up during the pandemic have become aware of their differences and are cutting ties.Though it may be tempting to hit up the dating apps to try to move forward as quickly and painlessly as possible, experts say it’s healthier to take the time to focus on yourself.The purpose? To heal, which will allow you to feel at home in your own skin, something that can have a positive impact on the rest of your life.“I always say that if the poison of pain took time to enter, it will take time to leave. You have to give it time instead of trying to numb it and soothe it through another person/relationship,” says Najwa Zebian, author of “Welcome Home: A Guide to Building a Home For Your Soul.”Once you do this, Zebian says you’ll develop your own self-love, compassion and clarity that are authentic to you. “This enables you to be your number one shelter when you need to be heard, seen and loved, instead of that shelter being another human,” Zebian said.In a chapter in her book called “Surrender,” she says one of the most powerful strategies is to stop trying to reverse a breakup in hopes that the pain will go away. “If we genuinely change the ending (belief) for ourselves from ‘I don’t deserve love’ to ‘I deserve whole, genuine, unconditional, supportive, uplifting love,’ there’s no way we can contemplate a love that does not align with that belief,” Zebian said. Abigail Schwartz, 22, a Toronto social media co-ordinator, found this to be true following a split last summer from her partner of three years. “Taking the time to heal, instead of putting a temporary Band-Aid on the wound, allowed me to learn my worth, feel all the feelings and, ultimately, find myself and what makes me happy,” said Schwartz.But it didn’t come without its challenges.Schwartz says she stayed in the relationship even when she knew it wasn’t working because she was afraid to be alone. It wasn’t until she slowly detached herself, spending less and less time with her ex, that she was able to be comfortable being alone again.“With this breakup, I was in a really bad place,” Schwartz said. “I’m normally a really positive person and a happy-go-lucky girl, but I was in a depression from this relationship.”Then her dad gave her a pep talk that really resonated. He said: When you’re feeling sad, don’t try to get over it. But also, don’t let it absorb you. She reframed her experience through therapy, positive self-talk and pursuing new experiences. Doing this taught her that she’s still the independent woman she was before she met him.“I just really tried to change my mentality and I feel like I made myself mature so much quicker because of that,” Schwartz said. “Before, I was really insecure and not comfortable being alone but now, I don’t have that negativity.”Happiness researcher and scientist Gillian Mandich, who’s on a mission to empower people to live happier, healthier lives, says every action we take tells a story about who we are. “When we do things daily that make us feel happy, healthy, confident or motivated, we’re not only showing ourselves that we value ourselves, we’re also actively participating in the story of our life.”She says often, people think that happiness is something they’ll find one day, like when they meet Mr. Right, yet research teaches us that a significant part of happiness is something people can create daily.A key element is understanding that happiness is a lot like exercise because it requires discipline, daily effort and a commitment to a continual practice.So where do you begin?She suggests starting a journal to track your thoughts and feelings, going outside for a walk, talking kindly to yourself, and taking time to slow down and savour the world around you.Savouring, she says, is all about recognizing the good things in life — a beautiful flower, a cup of coffee, the sun shining on your face — and then basking in the positive feelings it arouses. “Research shows that the simple practice of savouring can be a potent happiness booster because it has been shown to be related to intense and frequent happiness,” Mandich said.Another area that can allow for self-confidence and help rebuild your identity is, surprisingly, fashion, which Schwartz studied at Ryerson.After her relationship ended, she began dressing for herself again and that daily habit of putting together an outfit allowed her to live by her motto: Look good, feel good. “Currently, my biggest strong suit for sure is my sense of self, especially through my clothing,” Schwartz said.This is something that Toronto style consultant Julianne Costigan — who helps women understand that their clothes play a huge part in their confidence — agrees with.“I hope everyone reading this has had a moment in their life when they’ve changed into an outfit and thought, ‘Wow! I look good, I feel good.’” Costigan said. If there’s anything in your closet that doesn’t give you that

Going through a breakup? Instead of moving on right away, take the time to recalibrate

If you’re in the throes of a breakup, you’re not alone. Now that the city has reopened, many who coupled up during the pandemic have become aware of their differences and are cutting ties.

Though it may be tempting to hit up the dating apps to try to move forward as quickly and painlessly as possible, experts say it’s healthier to take the time to focus on yourself.

The purpose? To heal, which will allow you to feel at home in your own skin, something that can have a positive impact on the rest of your life.

“I always say that if the poison of pain took time to enter, it will take time to leave. You have to give it time instead of trying to numb it and soothe it through another person/relationship,” says Najwa Zebian, author of “Welcome Home: A Guide to Building a Home For Your Soul.”

Once you do this, Zebian says you’ll develop your own self-love, compassion and clarity that are authentic to you. “This enables you to be your number one shelter when you need to be heard, seen and loved, instead of that shelter being another human,” Zebian said.

In a chapter in her book called “Surrender,” she says one of the most powerful strategies is to stop trying to reverse a breakup in hopes that the pain will go away. “If we genuinely change the ending (belief) for ourselves from ‘I don’t deserve love’ to ‘I deserve whole, genuine, unconditional, supportive, uplifting love,’ there’s no way we can contemplate a love that does not align with that belief,” Zebian said.

Abigail Schwartz, 22, a Toronto social media co-ordinator, found this to be true following a split last summer from her partner of three years. “Taking the time to heal, instead of putting a temporary Band-Aid on the wound, allowed me to learn my worth, feel all the feelings and, ultimately, find myself and what makes me happy,” said Schwartz.

But it didn’t come without its challenges.

Schwartz says she stayed in the relationship even when she knew it wasn’t working because she was afraid to be alone. It wasn’t until she slowly detached herself, spending less and less time with her ex, that she was able to be comfortable being alone again.

“With this breakup, I was in a really bad place,” Schwartz said. “I’m normally a really positive person and a happy-go-lucky girl, but I was in a depression from this relationship.”

Then her dad gave her a pep talk that really resonated. He said: When you’re feeling sad, don’t try to get over it. But also, don’t let it absorb you.

She reframed her experience through therapy, positive self-talk and pursuing new experiences. Doing this taught her that she’s still the independent woman she was before she met him.

“I just really tried to change my mentality and I feel like I made myself mature so much quicker because of that,” Schwartz said. “Before, I was really insecure and not comfortable being alone but now, I don’t have that negativity.”

Happiness researcher and scientist Gillian Mandich, who’s on a mission to empower people to live happier, healthier lives, says every action we take tells a story about who we are. “When we do things daily that make us feel happy, healthy, confident or motivated, we’re not only showing ourselves that we value ourselves, we’re also actively participating in the story of our life.”

She says often, people think that happiness is something they’ll find one day, like when they meet Mr. Right, yet research teaches us that a significant part of happiness is something people can create daily.

A key element is understanding that happiness is a lot like exercise because it requires discipline, daily effort and a commitment to a continual practice.

So where do you begin?

She suggests starting a journal to track your thoughts and feelings, going outside for a walk, talking kindly to yourself, and taking time to slow down and savour the world around you.

Savouring, she says, is all about recognizing the good things in life — a beautiful flower, a cup of coffee, the sun shining on your face — and then basking in the positive feelings it arouses. “Research shows that the simple practice of savouring can be a potent happiness booster because it has been shown to be related to intense and frequent happiness,” Mandich said.

Another area that can allow for self-confidence and help rebuild your identity is, surprisingly, fashion, which Schwartz studied at Ryerson.

After her relationship ended, she began dressing for herself again and that daily habit of putting together an outfit allowed her to live by her motto: Look good, feel good. “Currently, my biggest strong suit for sure is my sense of self, especially through my clothing,” Schwartz said.

This is something that Toronto style consultant Julianne Costigan — who helps women understand that their clothes play a huge part in their confidence — agrees with.

“I hope everyone reading this has had a moment in their life when they’ve changed into an outfit and thought, ‘Wow! I look good, I feel good.’” Costigan said. If there’s anything in your closet that doesn’t give you that feeling, she said, it’s got to go.

“One thing that we say and truly believe is that having great style leads to confidence and confidence leads to success,” Costigan said.

“So it actually plays a big part in your mental health and feeling great about yourself. And when you feel good about yourself, you’re a happier person for yourself and everyone in your life.”